Jun 28, 2011

On Notice!

This series of mini-rants is brought to you by Mind Asplode, the only product made out of 99.9% uncut surprise.

[Author's Note: Please read these "notices" in the light-hearted tone with which they were written. Mostly.]

ON NOTICE - People That Think Book Trailers Are A Good Idea

Watch this and tell me you're excited to read The Host. [Ignore the fact it was written by the same woman who unleashed Twilight on the world.]

I mean really? I hope they didn't spend triple digits on that. And make no mistake, this is par for the course. Personally, I would love to see a publishing house put together a real book trailer - one where random bits of dialogue and prose are spliced together. Here's one for James S. A. Corey's excellent new space opera:

Foaming-at-the-Mouth Denunciations.
 "Anyone Drop A Rock?" 
Martian Navy.
Irregular Orbital Graves.
"You Slept At All?"

Good no?

ON NOTICE - Mira Grant - Zombie novels don't work. Even someone with half a brain [left] knows that. zombies aren't scary on the page. You can't see them in all their grotesque glory. There's no dialogue. They can't (or at least shouldn't) outsmart the protagonists. And every proofreader fears the day when the have to spell "BRAAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSSS!!!!" right.  Zombie novel don't work. Why then is Mira Grant's Newsflesh Trilogy so good? 

The one and only.
ON NOTICE - Seanan McGuire -  You can spell it anyway you want - faerie is still fairy. I'm not buying it. You can take your Tinkerbell, your Oberon, and your pumpkin transmogrifying grandma and live happily ever after. Uh no, those aren't the October Daye books on my shelf. You are mistaken. Why would I want to read grim and gritty urban fantasy that blurs the line between mystery and fantasy? Damn you McGuire! Quit making 97% of Urban Fantasy feel bad about itself.

Wait a second... Zoom in and Enhance...
ON NOTICE - Authors who manage to be awesome while writing as multiple psuedonyms - See above. That and the fact that McGuire is starting up another series, this one about "a family of crypto-zoologists who protect endangered mythological species, the organization of monster hunters sworn to destroy them, and the forbidden romances on both sides." [Check out io9 for the full story]. They say everyone has a story to tell. Chances are McGuire took yours.

ON NOTICE - Days When Neil Gaiman Doesn't Link My Blog - Lonely blog is lonely.
I'll give you 30 guesses.

ON NOTICE - The New York [Behind the] Times - C'mon. Everyone knows Lauren Beukes is awesome. I'm glad you figured out that Zoo City was worth reading. Everyone else has known that ever since Moxyland put Angry Robot on the map. But if you insist on identifying up-and-coming writers, I've got another name you might want to check out: George R. R. Martin. He's poised to explode.

I've heard good things about this one too....
And the updates...

REMAINING ON NOTICE - Naomi Novik - Someone needs to tell her that while dragons aren't real, unanswered questions are. Interview, Novik. Interview.

REMAINING ON NOTICE - One of the Not So Fine Editors At Tor - You're up for parole when I finally see The Coldest War. Not a second sooner.

OFF NOTICE - Patrick Rothfuss - You know I can't stay mad at you.

OFF NOTICE- : & ; - Still don't know the difference but my therapist has helped me accept that I never will.

OFF NOTICE - A Certain Unnamed Publisher Who Lies - Now known as "A Certain Unnamed Publisher Who Lied, But Eventually Came Through"

REMAINING ON NOTICE - China Mieville - Placed on Double Secret On Notice for getting such awesome UK covers. Speaking of which, I now have a special Mieville bookshelf.

REMAINING ON NOTICE - Myself - What's it called if permanent and immutable have a child? And then that child is frozen in carbonite. That's what chance I have of moving off this list.

OFF NOTICE - The Art Department at Bantam - If I re-purchase all of the books, the covers will match again. #itssosimple #waitasecond #thatwastheideawasntit


  1. who has two thumbs ans SIX of the new british editions of china mieville, signed and personalized with quotes by the author?

    this guy!

    (um, i am pointing at myself there.)

  2. What if I break off your thumbs and update their directional vectors to someone more to my liking...

    I've got the new editions. Just not the signed and personalized versions...

    The bibliophile part of me is jealous. The sociopath part of me is watching you.

  3. I think you're on notice for linking to a nearly month-old NYT piece that is run quarterly ;)

  4. Shhh... you weren't suppossed to notice that. And to be fair, the NYT went ON NOTICE when I originally read the piece. I just took my sweet time in finishing the post.

  5. Yes, but the person who wrote that piece highlighted Beukes' book on his blog and on Omnivoracious back in late December 2010, so... ;)

  6. Look Larry, I know Vandermeer is a well-respected industry professional. I'm not trying to start anything, just playing around. And Beukes first book was published in Fall of 2009 so he's still late to the game.

  7. I know. I'm just messing with your messin' 'round. It's a meta-messin', I think.

    Oh, and there are more albino squirrels being produced to annoy/terrify you as we speak ;)

  8. Seanan McGuire can tell my story better than I can. She can have it!


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